Waiting on a heartbeat

I have done so well these last few weeks getting excited about the baby and trying not to worry. I tell myself daily that statistically my baby will be fine and I will be able to hold him/her in 7 months. And slowly all this pep-talking has helped, as I have been able to get excited and begin planning for the future.

Yesterday my husband I went to have our first ultrasound to see our baby. I wanted to see that little heartbeat and reassure myself that all is as it should be. Statistically (when did I become a statistics nut?), the miscarriage risk falls to only 3% after a heartbeat is detected. So yesterday I was all ready to be reassured only to end up the complete opposite.

We were able to see the little black blob that was the amniotic sack, but there was only the tiniest, barely perceptible flicker that maybe-kinda was, but probably wasn't, a heartbeat. The doctor (we will be using a midwife, but a doctor was the one to give us the ultrasound) told us that either our baby is younger than we think it is (probably not the case seeing as I ovulate earlier than most women), or the pregnancy is not viable and will end in miscarriage. We will be going back next week to see which of these options is reality. 

So needless to say, yesterday was not a very good day for me. My husband prayed for us in the car on the drive home, and I quoted Job to myself all day, reminding myself that God is the one who gives and takes, and his name is to be blessed no matter what. But all those fears I had been pep-talking away for the last few weeks came roaring right back. It is so difficult to remain excited when the situation looks like it might end up in pain.

One thing I know is that fear often gives Satan an opportunity to step in-between us and God. I know that in times like this it is even more important to stick close to God, pray and meditate on him more, and spend time in the Bible. When I was a homesick exchange student several years ago, I learned that the only way to avoid throwing myself a pity party is to keep busy. So I am cleaning my house today, and spending time organizing. I also listen to Moody Radio most of the day. This radio station has such great, Christ-centered, encouraging broadcasts. I am a big fan of this radio station, but unfortunately it is not broadcasted where I live. So I often listen to it on my laptop and proceed to carry it around the house with me while I clean.

What are some of the ways you keep your mind off your fears and on the Lord?