Hello! I am sorry things have been a little quiet on Corner of Joy for the last week or so. There has been SO much going on, and I can't wait to share it all with you, but let me take a moment to share a big decision that has been made in our lives: I have decided to quit my job.
I had some reservations about sharing this news here because somehow I can see in this great world of cyberspace that one of my coworkers will find this blog and read this before I want them to! On the other hand, I am just too excited to share this news to keep it a secret.
I have had a rough time lately. Life has been very difficult the last month or so as my body and mind has decided it has hit "the wall". The nature of my job is very high stress: lots of calls, lots of organization, lots of personal accountability and responsibility, lots of rejection, lots of traveling, lots of criticism, lots of meetings, etc.. It has been so exhausting. On top of all that, I am not really very well suited for my job. It is a constant struggle to do what I need to do because I am not very well suited to doing it and I do not enjoy it.
My husband and I made the decision that I will work until we have a child. I have a lot of student loan debt, and my entire salary, plus some of my husbands, goes toward that debt so we can be in the best possible position when our little ones start showing up. The only things is.... the little ones are not showing up.
We have not prevented pregnancy since we were married in March 2011, and we have been actively "trying" to have a baby since January of this year (aka tracking my cycles using BBT, etc.). Still no baby. It has been very disheartening and difficult, as I do not believe in fertility treatment. Instead, I am trying to put myself in the best physical and mental position for the Lord to bless me, but I am truly going to leave it up to him to do so.
The result is that I have been at this job for much longer than I ever anticipated. Every month I hope the Lord will bless us, and when it doesn't happen my immediate thought is "Oh no! That's another month at my job!". As you can imagine, this is not healthy. I have even been wondering if the stress of my job has been making it more difficult for me to get pregnant.
So the last year or so I have been pushing myself to keep going. The money is needed and I am happy to be a helper to my husband in this way for now. But this last month it all seemed to change. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't keep pushing. I felt like I was on the edge of something and that if I pushed any harder I would fall. I am not a quitter, and I am not a whiner, but I just couldn't handle it anymore.
I finally approached my husband with this issue, and it was difficult to figure out what to do, especially given our goal of trying to get out of debt as soon as possible. I didn't know if I could hang on long enough to get another job. What if it took me months to find a new one? I felt weird before about trying to get a new job because I'd only be at the job for a few months if I got pregnant.
We prayed about it together and separately for the last month, and after many tears and frayed nerves, my husband took the lead last night and proposed this plan to me: I will work at my current job until the end of September, and during that time I will continue to apply for other jobs that might be less stress for me. Whether I have a new job or not, September 28th will be my last day at my current job.
I thanked my husband for taking the lead and agreed to this plan. When I woke up this morning, you would have thought the angels had been singing to me all night. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I have been happy all day today and see glimmers of my usual joyful self flickering back to life. I didn't realize how heavy this job had become. It was like 1 pound was added to my shoulder every day for the last year and a half, and before I knew it, I was carrying 500 pounds!
So that is what is happening for us. I firmly believe that happiness is not the goal to life, but I am looking forward to being a healthier and happier woman and wife. I am hoping this change in my situation will make my body more receptive to pregnancy, but I continue to firmly believe that it is God's decision, not mine, to give me a baby. Although I am going to be sure to give God the best chances possible to bless me with one:)