Friday, May 23, 2014

The moment you realise what marriage really is

My husband and I got married just over 3 years ago, and boy was I so happy to get hitched! My husband and I were living in separate states, and had always lived in separate states, until we got married. We were SO ready to be together and start married life.

So we had the wedding....
 And it was amazing. We were so happy to be married!

Then we went on our honeymoon, which was very simple. My husband didn't have much vacation time from work to do anything big, so we went to a nice bed and breakfast in Amish country in Ohio. We spent several days there in wedded bliss

And then it happened.

And we got a crash course in what marriage REALLY is.

Sure, we got that whole "building a life with your best friend" thing, and we got the whole "to have and to hold" thing, but it took a not-so-happy-birthday dinner to make us realize what marriage really is.

It was my 24th birthday and we were going out for dinner to celebrate during our honeymoon. We picked a nicer restaurant in town and got to enjoy a 4 course meal of French cuisine (my favorite).

I don't remember why, but we argued. Here's the thing, my husband and I rarely argue. SO this must have seemed like a big deal. The thing was, we were sitting in this gorgeous restaurant, in a corner by ourselves, and we were royally angry with each other. I remember picturing steam coming out of my ears, that's how mad I was. It was our first argument as a married couple and it was a doosy.

I don't remember anything about the argument, but what I remember was the result. We both fell quiet during the dinner and were stabbing food onto our forks in anger. During that moment we both had the exact same realization:

Marriage is permanent

Sure we thought we understood that marriage was permanent, and that whole "til death do us part" thing, but the realization of what the permanency meant hit us both at that moment. We couldn't just "break up" over an argument. We couldn't just walk away. We couldn't leave it unresolved. We HAD to resolve the issue because we were legally and spiritually bound to each other in marriage. We were one.

Not that either of us considered wanting to back out of our marriage over an argument, but it was the moment when we realized that marriage is permanent, and we had to learn to resolve our issues. Luckily that argument blew over quickly and we are still incredibly happy to be married to each other today.
Happily married and taking photos in a photo booth :)
But this lesson leads me to have strong beliefs about some of what our society believes is ok, such as living together before marriage. Many people believe that this is a good "test trial" for marriage, but I have come to believe (beyond the sexual issues this brings up), that living together is not a test trial for marriage at all. In fact, believing it is a test trial might be why divorce rates are higher for those who live together before marriage. Because living together before marriage, and thinking it is the same thing as marriage, completely ignores the foundational characteristic of marriage: that is is permanent. 

And marriage being permanent is a huge game changer. Fights have to be resolved, you can't just walk away, you have to learn to give of yourself sacrificially, and you have to realize you are no longer you, but "we".

Marriage being permanent also has some very beautiful side effects. There is a security in knowing you are tied to each other in ever sense of the word, that you are vulnerable in your marriage together with your spouse, and that God sees you as a unit.
Together even in difficult times: A bittersweet "selfie" of us taken a few hours after we found out we lost our second baby
The permanency of marriage is a very very beautiful thing, and it should be valued.

Mark 10:6-9
But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.


  1. That was an excellent and thoughtful post! I completely agree that living together before marriage is *not* a good test trial and you give the main reason. I hope you do a similar post on motherhood soon ;) I gave birth to a baby girl, my first child, just last Friday and it's indescribable! It doesn't matter how ready you think you are, it simply changes everything. I wish you all the best when your own time comes!

    1. Congratulations on your new little girl! I wish you a speedy postpartum recovery and hope you enjoy this time of getting to know this little person God has entrusted to you. I am anxious to do the same with my little one when he/she comes


I love to fellowship with others and hear what they have to say. I would ask, however, that you be mindful of what you write and try to be uplifting and respectful. Thank you for sharing!