Ok, I’m just going to say it, I have baby fever!
As many of you know, I have been writing quite a bit lately about babies. I have lots of babies arriving into the world around me. It is so excited, especially since it has been years since I’ve had babies in my life. I am so excited to be able to witness and support the birth of these wonderful children into the world!
This last weekend I went to a baby shower, and the baby fever set in bad. Isn’t it amazing how a woman’s body works? I have had this yearning for a baby for some time now. As my first wedding anniversary approaches, I can’t help but pray that God blesses me soon with a baby. The women in my family have never had trouble getting pregnant, but I guess there is always a first.
It has been very difficult for me because I want a baby so badly. My husband and I are very much enjoying this time of bonding before children, but I can’t help but feel like someone is missing. We are meant to have children around us, nurturing them to love and know God.
It is difficult, but I am trying to ignore my baby fever. I pray that God blesses me with a baby soon, but what if he doesn’t? I need to accept his ability to “open” or “close” my womb. But yesterday at the baby shower, I just got this ache in my heart. I bought a little baby outfit last week for the shower, and it was laying on top of a pile of gifts in my living room for a few days. Every day I passed it and stopped, staring at it, marveling at the wonder of a baby. I got this lump in my throat every time I looked at it. If I am not able to have children, it will be a very difficult thing to come to terms with.
I have already decided my course of action. I will not undergo testing, take pills, or undergo treatments to become pregnant. Although I believe that God made our bodies to work a certain way, and we can manipulate our bodies in some ways to get what we want (hello, octomom!), I believe it is the sign of true faith when we allow God to do what he will with our bodies and our lives. In the Old Testament there are so many stories of God having the ability to give or take fertility. Saying that God does not have ultimate authority over something like fertility is saying that God does not have ultimate authority, and I believe the Bible shows clearly that is not the case.
So here I am, fighting baby fever. Hoping I’ll receive the amazing privilege of raising a child, but trying not to get my hopes up so high that I will be crushed if I end up not being able to conceive. I know I’ll be a mom someday, even if it is through adoption, but I can’t help but crave that I will be able to carry a baby someday….