Hello and Goodbye: A Miscarriage Story

My husband and I have been hoping to get pregnant for so long now that I was beginning to think it would never happen.It seemed like pregnancy tests were just not meant to have 2 line, at least  not when I took them.

Then last week my period was a day late. My period is always perfectly on time, so I decided to take a pregnancy test. After 5 minutes, 2 lines showed but one of them was so faint I couldn't tell if it was just a trick of the light or something. Well, what did that mean!? I knew that even a faint line means pregnancy but this one was so faint I felt it couldn't mean anything.

So I decided to check my temperature the next morning. I charted my body temperature for a few months earlier this year just to get a feel for my ovulation dates, etc. Sure enough, my temperature was high still, meaning that I was probably pregnant. But typical me, I needed "real" confirmation.

So after work on Monday I stopped at the store and got one of those expensive digital tests that has the fool-proof words on it "pregnant" or "not pregnant"

And the fool-proof test was worth every penny because it gave me what the other test didn't:

It was amazing! I was freaking out, laughing and hugging my husband. I just never thought it would happen, honestly.

All last week I was so excited, thinking about how great it will be when our baby arrives next May. I told a few of my closest girl friends who knew of our struggles and I relished in their excitement. We planned to tell my family the last weekend of September when we were visiting them, but we were going to tell my husband's family this last weekend. My husband and I drove to see them so that my husband and his brother could go on their annual golf trip and I would help with the twins and spend time with my sister-in-law. We told them we were expecting and they were so excited for us. Our baby would only be a year younger than the twins, so they could still be close.

Then Saturday I noticed a little brownish blood. I immediately googled it on my phone (very scientific, I know) and it said that a little blood is ok, but if it bright red or if you need a pad, that is the bad point.

So all day I was on pins and needles. I tried to just enjoy my time with the twins, who are so delightful, but in my heart I knew what was happening. I continued to have a little blood all day, then by Saturday night it had turned into a lot of blood. I had lost the baby.

I came out of the bathroom and asked my sister-in-law for some pads. She was probably the perfect person for me to be with at that moment. She had had difficulties getting pregnant and knew just how I felt. She reassured me that at least now I know I can get pregnant, and that is half the battle. She also reminded me that miscarriage is often a blessing in disguise, as it means something was probably not developing right with the baby.

I stayed surprisingly calm and called my husband to tell him what happened. My rock of a husband who never cries got teary eyed on the other end of the phone and tried to reassure me. He asked me if he should come back home but I told him to stay, as there was nothing he could do and it was late.

I went to bed that night and knew what I had to do. I knew it was time to talk to God, but I also knew that that would probably be the end of my calmness. God has always been my closest confidant, even when I fell away from Christianity in my late teens. I laid down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling and said out loud "I'm not mad at you". And the tears came pouring then. I repeated that over and over, reminding myself and God.

Then, because I didn't have the words, I sang. The first song that came to my mind was Praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns. It's the only song I know by that band, but I love it. And I cried the entire time I sang

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

God is the sovereign ruler of our lives, and whether the sun in shining or the storms are brewing, he is still sovereign. Nothing that happens in our lives, no matter how bad, changes the fact that he is and always will be the God of this world. One of my favorite sayings is "the only thing you can control is your attitude". God is in control, my only control is over my attitude through what he brings. 

One of the chapters in our financial seminar was about making sure that God is our security, not our stuff, not other people, etc. We need to make sure that should God choose to take away things in our lives, from our families to our situations, we still have our security in the Lord. When we put our security in our spouses, in our children, in our money, or in our jobs, we risk falling to pieces if those things are taken from us. It's the parable of the houses: are you going to build on sand or on rock?

I was so comforted knowing that God is in control, and God is good. Am I sad I lost my baby? Very. But knowing that the result is a test of my faith in God and his control has been priceless. 

So as the tears stopped falling, I took a deep breath and prayed. I acknowledged to God that I accept what he has allowed to happen, and that I hope he will bless me again. 

Then in typical God style, a song I haven't heard or sung in years popped into my mind. Point of Grace's All in All:

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

I cried again as I sang this song. Typical God, putting my focus on himself in the middle of my crises. And you know, by the end of the last verse my tears had stopped. I felt ten times better. God knew how to comfort me so much better than I did. In the past, when I didn't lean on God as much, this pity-party would have lasted quite a while, but my faith was proven this weekend as I saw God's love pour out and comfort me so quickly and so thoroughly. 

My husband came home early the next day and drove me home. I was sore and tired from little sleep, but as we drove I told him about my time with God and he just looked over and me and said "It amazes me how you are turning this situation around and looking toward God". So another good thing has come out of this, as I was able to witness to my husband. And he just squeezed my hand and said something he says all the time "what does it say above our door?"

This wall sticker is on the wall above our bedroom door and it is usually one of the first things I see in the morning:

 

Could anything be more true than that?